SPARE : PRINCE HARRY, PENGUIN UK 2023
This book covers all of Prince Harry´s life nearly up the present day. In the first two-thirds of the book, pre-Meghan (that’s not the ´M´ word by the way) we follow our young man´s rather indulgent lifestyle through his role as the self-proclaimed spare part to the Monarchy, while his elder brother prepares to be our future king.
Harry is a man’s man – by this I mean that as a result of attending an all-boys boarding school, Eton (all boys), no Uni, and then lengthy service in the Army he is totally used to male company during the first thirty years of his life. Holidays with the lads (and a few ever-present bodyguards) occur regularly: skiing, safaris, North Pole, South Pole, Las Vegas, Botswana, Australia, and many more, these are not official duties expected of Royals. The male bodyguards, there for the young man’s protection all add to a strange lifestyle unlike other young men of his age.
Perhaps unsurprisingly then H´s language is ripe – but is it necessary in print? Yes, I know today many people swear regularly but to me it´s easier and better to make your point in writing without it – for me far too frequent ´f´s found, my friend. The coarse one has also developed an unfortunate habit of putting one’s young foot in it from time to time – who can forget the ´Heil Harry´ headline displaying him in a Nazi uniform for a fancy dress party.? Oh and we are regaled with stories of H being snapped naked playing pool in Vegas with some young courier ladies present – guess who originated the game?
As we´re on the subject of naughties we need to get something understood: ´Willy´ and ´Harold´ are the brothers´ affectionate nicknames for each other, OK? But when I’m referring to Harry´s willy I mean his royal appendage – and shock-horror that even gets a few mentions, this willy is clearly not a spare part in H´s growing life. Firstly we get the schoolboy circumcision stuff, Roundhead v Cavaliers (snigger), but then as grown-ups, allegedly, Harry´s willy raises its head again when featured as being frozen, North Pole job – do we need to know all that H? Now there’s talk of a new willy warmer becoming a future must-have on icy trips? Cool Harry… Oh, and just one thing as we´re on the subject? I know what a bell-end is, but do all your readers? Obviously the pen is mightier than the sword (old joke).
Yes, we see girlfriends in H´s life but seemingly no really meaningful relationships. There’s Chelsy from South Africa, Cressida, Caroline and several more young ladies that form part of the identified ´Throne syndrome´, but apart from envying brother William and wife Kate’s happiness Harry seems resigned to the bachelor life. Virginity-loss is somewhat imaginatively dealt with, Jilly Cooper style: young stud taken-in-hand and elsewhere by an older experienced lady, field-behind-a-pub job, like you do.
Amazingly, and credit to our man the subject of one James Hewitt and his supposed parental part in Royal life is crisply dealt with, Harry stating the agreed affair with his mother was actually later after his birth. Fair enough, mate I believe you, good shout. More innocent surprises include bargain-buying one´s own clothes in TK Max, drying them on radiators, hasty food shopping (for one) in the local supermarket with vital baseball cap low.
Harry is well fond of a drink, admiring ´delicious Vodka´, Rum and Coke, Red Bull and various forms of Tequila. Fair enough you might say, but his ¨High´ness’s drug usage of joints and weed, right up to the present day seems excessive. At one time his boast was even doing a whole bag of weed – erm, how big´s a bag H, do tell? Lately our Harry has moved into therapy big time and after enlarging about his usage the therapist observes that it´s a wonder our hero isn’t a drug-addict. Really?
Proud to serve, Sir – in the Army, at last Harry seems to have found his niche in life, and it rightly forms a good part of his book. The Spare Officer persists in asking to go to the front in Afghanistan to do his duty to Granny and his country, and although very hush-hush he eventually succeeds. But rather unwisely we learn about the unheroically killing twenty-five of the Taliban with vastly superior fire power, covered in fairly graphic detail. Then one busy radio night our hero is aware that suddenly ´Red Fox´ is being excitedly targeted, before suddenly realising the enemy know of his presence and are planning to take him out: abrupt end of army service. What to do now then Harold? Ah yes, the Invicta Games for badly injured military personnel, many who have lost limbs fighting for their country. Credit given for that our Harry, home popularity and respect guaranteed. Smart move son.
In the family Dad, or Pa as he is know to his boys, doesn’t come out terribly well, portrayed as a rather remote figure in his own Shakespearan-loving world, and thus definitely not designed or equipped to be a modern father. Of course Charles´ ex-wife´s terrible death left him even more helpless to cope adequately as a single parent. Yes, Camilla proved to be his salvation both as a husband and future king but his wife definitely does not seem to be the ideal step-mother to his sons. The two were happy for Pa but didn’t want he and Camilla to be married: overruled… William, he who will be king one day seems typically big brother to his younger sibling with the usual competitive rivalries. Their Mother´s tragic passing affected both boys deeply, who can forget their sad walk behind the coffin, but it would seem William has coped better over the years, perhaps his own marriage and parenthood has helped him in life.
The Family’s understood, agreed, hated enemies are the press, and the loathsome ever-present paparazzi: both make Royal life a constant battle. The Windsor motto is ´Never complain, never explain´, and let´s face it, there’s been a huge amount to try and keep schtum about. Think of Camillagate calls, Fergie´s foolishnesses – and more recently Andrew´s antics: shudder…
So up until now, 2016 aged 32 Harry seems to have got the non-complaining message, despite there being plenty to moan about as he grew up. Pa always gives his son the same advice ´Don’t read it, dear boy…´ – and he should know. So Harry appears, so far to be able to handle it.
In conclusion, the ´M´ word for this piece – is ´Mummy´. The mention of her name is never far away from Harry´s narrative to date, underlying a sad, constant thread through his life.
To be continued… When Harry met Meghan.
